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10 Tips for How to Acquire a Disease

I’m an admirer of Wade Meredith’s writings at Healthbolt.net and after reading his post on How to Give Yourself Diabetes, I realized that sarcasm makes it easier to reach people with important messages.

Now, I’d like to provide a list of tips not just how to get sick, but how to get even a serious disease.

1. Forget about sport! 30 minutes of walking takes too much time, and we can’t do exercises 5-6 times a week. Physically inactive people are more likely to die early, to experience major illnesses such as heart disease, diabetes and to get banal infections. So enjoy your favourite armchair and watch the TV!

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2. Get fat! If your body mass index (kg/m2) is at least equal to or more than 25, then you’re on the right way towards cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, musculoskeletal disorders and some cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon). 1.6 million people can’t be wrong!

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3. Drink alcohol! There are about 2 billion people worldwide who consume alcoholic beverages and 76.3 million with diagnosable alcohol use disorders. These numbers are still too low, please help improving them! Drink, drink and you can get closer to oesophageal cancer, liver cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, homicide, epileptic seizures and motor vehicle accidents.

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4. Smoke! Some cigarettes a day, and you can send the doctor away. The list of the possible effects of smoking is so exciting: cancers of the bladder, oral cavity, pharynx, larynx (voice box), esophagus, cervix, kidney, lung, pancreas, and stomach. I nearly forgot about cardiovascular diseases and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (the fourth leading cause of death in the USA).

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5. Sunbathe! Chronic exposure to UV radiation causes erythema, sunburn or even melanoma, one of the deadliest diseases of the world. Try it! An easy and cheap method to suffer.

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6. Use more salt! More than 5 g salt a day and you don’t have to worry about high blood pressure. “It has been calculated that a 3g reduction in salt intake in the adult population would lead to a 22% reduction in stroke and a 16% reduction in chronic heart disease.” It means that a daily 15 g salt intake would lead to serious results…

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7. Stay stressed! Is your work boring? Are you in a middle of a traffic jam? Try to stay tensed as the stress ulcus is the best friend of the stomach. The pain, the bleeding and the acid in your oesophagus shouldn’t make you interested. Oh, and depression, burnout syndrome are also in the packet.

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8. Don’t wash yourself! Improper hygiene can lead to problems like dental caries, fungal infections, parasites and it’s even helpful in transmitting HPV (keyplayer in the cancer of the cervix) and other sexually transmitted infections.

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9. Inherit bad genes! You obviously can’t control it. But if you would at least take a deeper look at your family history, you could try to prevent some kind of diseases (e.g.: gout or diabetes type II. with proper diet). So forget about it! Don’t let enthusiastic geneticists force you to think differently!

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10. Be creative! Travel to tropical countries (for malaria, tuberculosis and other hot diseases); don’t care about ticks (Lyme disease); do not eat vegetables and fruits (for colon cancer); work in a polluted place and especially think negative! It will definitely help.

I can write hundreds of posts here about web 2.0 and medicine (medicine 2.0, if you happen not to know about it) or genetic testing. But medicine starts at home. In many areas of medicine, we can’t control anything so at least we should take care about what we can take care about.

You can’t control the car rushing towards you without brake, but at least you can move two steps backward.

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22 Comments Post a comment
  1. John #

    Very interesting article. So glad there is nothing about having loads of unprotected sex, that must be ok then :)

    May 31, 2007
  2. bo #

    you’ve got to be kidding me this is soo lame

    June 1, 2007
  3. Kim #

    LOL – my goodness, just the thought of five grams of salt makes me nauseated. Never was a salt-adder (sounds like a snake) so I guess I’m not going to get any diseases from THAT!

    June 5, 2007
  4. Nothing like a little black humor to kill the pain of what we see every day…jc

    June 6, 2007
  5. Sarah #

    this is a unique way to make a point. I am going to send this to some people I know and then wonder if they took the hint.

    June 12, 2007
  6. Dog #

    Personally I think it is impossible not to stay stressed when you are still early in your career.

    June 17, 2007
  7. neon #

    I think this is absolutely hilarious, made my day, and great esamples for my debating speech!

    May 27, 2008
  8. I’m glad you liked it. Please let me know how it goes.

    May 27, 2008
  9. FUnny #

    wow nice article…I have to do this as always…hehe then after sending this, you where am I…???? funny article, but we need to put this in our mind, not to get those diseases…hehe

    December 11, 2008
  10. This is great reverse psychology, as well as an amusing way to get people thinking to make better choices about their health.

    March 28, 2009
  11. Mitch #

    HAHAHA!!!! SOOO FUNNY!

    Well… The topic’s Arnt!
    But the reverse psychology is!!!

    so i CAN eat 5g of SALT PER HOUR… i mean DAY!?
    Thank you!
    always keep what we can… we dont know how privalidged we are in
    the society!

    EAT AS MUCH SALT PER DAY AS YOU CAN!!!

    though serioously… grats on making this…
    put me in such a happy mood after reading it.
    makes the point clear…. to not do any of it…

    good method!

    =^) (now… back to laughing)
    hahahahahahahaha… funny….

    November 1, 2009
    • Bleh #

      Haha you will get a disease just because your name is Mitchell. Get over it. :L

      November 20, 2009
  12. Whats Taking place i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve discovered It positively useful and it has aided me out loads. I am hoping to contribute & assist other customers like its helped me. Great job.

    June 22, 2012

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